I have always believed that
when you do things rightly and justly;
when you do your part, no more, no less;
when your conscience is clear;
And things will fall into place.
Seems like that’s not the case.
“Good guys finish last.”
Well, never mind.
It’s not about things falling into place anyway;
It’s about the Belief that things will fall into place.
Continue to believe…
to do good…
to want to be the “good guy”…
And to not have it any other way.
i used to like epic movies, movies about war, about the last day of the world, about death and separation and life, tragic romances, romantic tragedies, movies that were titanic, and more importantly, movies about humanity, that put the human spirit to the test in the face of struggle and adversity, the power to overcome, the fight, brought to the limits, intense human emotions, emotions that were larger-than-life. precisely because they often do not exist in real life, hence i needed to feel, to feel more, more, emotions, something that was larger than life itself.
now, i have to say i’m quite different, things have changed. i realised that epic feelings can also be found in smalltown romances, in non-epic settings, in everyday life, the smallest and simplest things in life, and i’m glad to have felt that. epic feelings need not only be found in epic settings, but also in little, heartfelt gestures like your mum sending you to the door and waving goodbye silently when you go off to work, the wake-up calls you get in the mornings afraid that you’ll be late for work, the bride and groom on stage thanking their families on their big day, a simple message from a friend to ask how’s your day and to wish you a smooth-sailing day ahead.
no longer just matters about death and life, nor the last or precious moments, but about everyday living, each little intimate moment you share with someone else, and that’s epic enough. i still like epic movies, but i’ve also learnt to appreciate and love the little epic moments in our lives, the romantic comedies, the smalltown romances, the family dramas that play out.
my life is an epic story, still playing out.
your life is an epic story, in itself, and in its own right.
epic need not be written in capital, or bold letters but in the smallest and most insignificant of fonts; yet they are epic, in the manner in which they were written.
when you realise that life can so easily and so instantly desert one, you want to know that it had been all worthwhile.
a right attitude, an open heart, and lots of magnanimity.
little epic moments, epic little life.
a mere epic.
and merely so.
you come with nothing and you probably leave with nothing; what you leave behind is a legacy, epic in its own right.
I used to believe in justice and equality; they used to be the pillars of my existence.
No more.
I think I’ve changed quite a bit these recent years. No longer so stubborn, no longer so steadfast in my views; only occasionally, steadfastness might not be a virtue.
Life is unfair. Let’s face it. I no longer insist that the world should be fair and just and equal. My world view has changed. Life is fair only when you recognise that it is unfair and accept that it is unfair.
Justice and equality still are the most important qualities in my life and how I wish for the world to be. But I’ve learnt to realise and accept that they often do not present themselves and are most often manifested in their lack.
As long as these ideas stay in you. Never mind the external you cannot change. After trying that is.
Too bad, take it or leave it, I’m afraid, sometimes.
I used to believe in justice and equality; they used to be the pillars of my existence.
And they still are.
Structural ignorance is a strange thing that blinds you and then opens your eyes.
“I didn’t choose to be blindfolded but I’m not blind.”
i had a bad day today. i don’t like mood swings. i don’t like to feel vulnerable. but i don’t wish to be numb either. increasingly, i find that it takes a lot for me to be happy and takes very little for me to be unhappy; when really, it takes very little to be happy and there is little to be unhappy about. how much does happiness cost? i wonder. if you have it, will you please share some with me? on bad days like these, i just want to go to bed and end the day early. tomorrow’s another day. yours.
Seeing you again
has brought back for me
Memories I Thought I Had Lost.
So much has changed & so much has taken place
So much too has remained & stayed the same
& always will do.
Spaces & gaps in between
Amidst our because vast hence limited memories.
Memories gained & memories thought lost
Only to come back ever so vividly
Like we had never left the old place.
Nearly ten years now
Felt like never again
Suddenly like yesterday just passed.
“Yesterday once more” is a cliche.
But it’s not yesterday;
it’s today.
“Today once more”
How much we wish & wish
for “once more” “once more”.
Live & relive & live.
Thank you for making the pages
Come alive again
If only for that second, that One Single Moment
Then again to go back into the page.
Because “Life’s a book, & usually opened in the middle.”
Thank you
for the kindness
& the generosity of spirit.
It was warm
like the spring baths
Too warm even
But it felt good
When there is no reason for someone to treat you so good
but they do,
Something takes place in the heart.
& also in the brain.
Because your mindset is changed
Your perspective changes again.
Like a road trip
Take turns to drive
Parts of it you remember;
parts of it you don’t
No, life is not in pieces but as a whole.
My two friends, nearly “childhood” friends.
One with three younger brothers, chased out of home, built a business on his own, independent,
now happily married with a cosy home.
One nearly lost his life to illness, an affable person with a good heart, handling his family business,
now happily married to Shizu-san with a lovable son by the name of Taito.
These ten years I thought had gone missing.
They were surprised too how much had taken place for me.
Lost & found, contact established.
That One Single Moment, how much you’d give.
Because you never expected you’d meet them again.
Seeing you again
has brought back for me
Memories I Actually Never Lost.
There is no one way to lead your life.
There is no dead end.
Only because we have become accustomed to the life we had been presented and then chosen.
But the way we have chosen for ourselves is a habit, the path we have preferred.
When one door closes, another opens.
Weeds can grow in many places.
When they can see their strengths as weeds.
I was on the plane when I wrote this on a postcard.
Two days back in Gamagori, Japan, when I was sleeping, I dreamt that something bad happened to my mother back in Singapore. I woke up, shocked, had a bad feeling, wanted to call home immediately, felt so real, checked my phone, then reassured myself that nothing will go wrong.
It was the first time I experienced the real feeling of a heartsink, I think.
Others were close; shock, panic, disappointment, lost, heart speeding, but not a heartsink.
Deep down inside, I know that nothing will happen to her.
Faith.
& so I didn’t call.
I know that this feeling of a heartsink will be overwhelmed by the sight of my mother at the arrival hall behind the glass panel waiting for me to fetch me home later.
Everything will fall back into place, I’m sure.
“has to be able to:
Cook well.
Do housework.
Give birth to babies for me.”
My Japanese friend laughed.
“Typical MCP,” I know, haha.
My friend said, “No rah, no more Singapore girl rike that. Japanese girl, also don’t have rah.”
Waving his hands, waiving off the idea.
“How? How?” I exclaimed, semi-disillusioned, just rike I was semi-joking rah.
there will always be bias but the problem is when you’re so obviously biased in your judgement, you should really stop trying to influence or overshadow others with your blatant bias, or favouritism, whatever you call it. thank you.
it has always been my intention to write my blog in a way that it is neither a re-ferral nor a re-action to anyone or anything, and it will continue to be so but i regret that this entry should be so.
“If you want a bourgeois existence, you shouldn’t be an actor. You’re in the wrong profession.” – Uta Hagen.
“How true,” I thought, as I realised for myself today, but not as if I didn’t already know. By “bourgeois existence”, I mean “middle class or middle-upper class”.
“Where’s my bourgeois existence?” proletariatly speaking.
Speak of the irony of looking for a “bourgeois existence”.
Look, I’m not even looking for a “bourgeois existence”; I’m merely looking for a “free-r, more rightful existence, and less cheap”. Get it?
Frankly speaking, and straight-faced. Without pessimism, negativity, or disillusionment. Just some anger, for what’s not right, for a rightful existence.
“By right…”
“But what if it’s by left?”
Hmm…
Some go by left but I still hope to go by right.
Some lies are necessary.
Most lies are not.
When you tell an unnecessary lie or deliberately create an impression of someone you are not, it would most probably backfire and come back to haunt you.
And the bubble will burst.
Because everything inside was Air.
